From the outside looking in, I know that what folks probably see is a young woman who appears to have it all together. I have dreams and goals, many of which are in motion. So many projects, and I seem to juggle them all well. It's amazing to me to see how much I've grown as a person since I left California 4 years ago, but I'm still not ready to sing loud and proud as my Uncle Billy asked me to do as a dying wish. (May he rest in peace and be jammin' with Jerry Garcia in the otherworld)

Anxiety, Fears, a love hate relationship with myself, and then there's fight or flight. Years of intensive therapy, to finally come to understand that my biggest hurdle is one I face within myself. I simply freak out in every essence of the word when I think about sharing my music with the outside world. My spirit no longer resides within my body, my consciousness seems to almost float above myself, literally. My heart beats faster than I knew possible, my hands cold as ice and moist with the fear. These small sensations are all I have to remind me that I have a body at all. My mind stresses over how I must look under the bad stage lighting, I begin to play, sing and share and hear through the PA a sound foreign to myself. The vocals are too loud, the guitar isn't loud enough, i shouldn't have taken a breath there... good god, I perform on... No one notices that inside myself is a war. Stagefright, panic attacks, emotional break downs... I know first hand the pains an artist faces before performing, which is why I haven't... until recently. I'm pushing myself because people believe in me. I sometimes believe in me, I know in my heart I'm meant to get the music out there, it's just not enough to motivate me for some reason.

A roller coaster of emotions as I write now. I am unique and I try too often to blend in or be invisible, when I should embrace my uniqueness and celebrate. I make up excuses or create petty drama with people to avoid an open mic night, which by the way, I have mapped out for every day of the week now in the bay area. There really are no excuses other than I must hate myself and want to suffer. I'm disappointed in myself, and I see that I'm letting people down who believe in me (which of course doesn't help). I don't want fame, I don't want the attention... I just want to feel free from all these burdens that come with sharing a gift.

I still do not have a steady home environment since returning to California. My folks are intense and living with them is not an option. Sofa's... many many sofa's. I should be writing about the sofa's, for I'm sure they alone could make some interesting songs. I'm starting school back up soon, and I'm worried about the lack of a stable home environment. Each day upon my return has been a live as you go kinda day. The one stable job I had putting condiments on burgers... i walked out on just last week (my boss was eating a customers pizza... not cool). My other 2 jobs are awesome, but they are not paying the bills.

I love my time at the recording studio and being a sturdy shoulder for Glen. I've learned so much being the studio intern, and I am most thankful. I feel needed, that my knowledge with the music business is assisting with our business, I'm helping other musicians however I can. I understand the business... not in a conceited way, just honestly I understand what it takes to make it. Hard work, dedication, education, experience, talent, patience, and luck. My name is there, I'm networking... I'm going through all the motions to succeed... but still... I hold back. Frustrating. I must hate myself.

Working at Shoreline this summer has been a very awesome experience. Stagehand work is by far my favorite to get involved in, and I feel blessed to have the opportunity to be apart of a big production, even if it's in the smallest way.

I second guess myself too often and don't trust enough. I need to just let go I think and close my eyes, and just let life take me where it wants me to be. I spend time at the Mountain View library once a month, borrowing all kinds of literature on intuition, spirituality, music business, songwriting, biographies, everything and anything I can conjure up to help me overcome this ridiculous set back with anxiety.

It's not about technology, equipment or even the music. It's about the invisible darkness inside myself that will not allow myself to succeed. I look to the outside for acceptance and support, when I have these things inside myself. Relationships involving love seem to be my biggest downfall. I get consumed in the relationship, and next thing I know my guitar has dust on it, my fingers are tender, and my voice feels small. I really really need to just trust the process and flow with it...